Spinnit’ To Winnit’ – Australia Is Having An Election!

By: Nick Rodham Churchill

For those of you who don’t closely follow the news in Australia (so most of you) there is an Election on!  While there are many parties full of many “ideas,” the “big two” seem to be doing all they can to say as much as possible and yet seem to be saying nothing at all.  This year is a bit different for Oz – there is a woman at the top of the ticket.  While this is something that would stun, shock, and inspire Americans (or probably even Canadians) Australians claim it matters very little to them.  Still, when I get to my “Election spinning – I mean winning – themes in a second, you’ll see why I simultaneously don’t believe that’s the case.

There’s been the usual kissing babies (no, literally, the news has a “baby-kissing” counter and they’re keeping a running tally of which leader – Gillard or Abbott – kisses more babies) and moral-filled proclamations of the highest refuditude (did you see what I did there?  I made up a word.  It’s all the political rage now).  On paper these two leaders seem quite different.  Gillard is an un-married, childless red-head who has been at the heart of Labour’s left for 20 years.  Abbott is a devoutly Catholic, short, balding man who just competed in a major triathlon and says curse words on a regular basis.  He’s wildly entertaining.  So then, you’d think their policies would be quite different as well.  Well, they’ve been spun as such.  Labour is all about “Moving Australia Forward” while the Liberals are “Standing Up For Australia.”  See.  Quite different.  And on the issues, well…

Jobs:

Labour: We’ll create them.  We promise.

Liberal: We’ll reduce taxes.  That’ll create them.

Labour Laws:

Labour: We invented them.

Liberal: We won’t change them.

Green Energy:

Labour: Tax Carbon.

Liberal: That’s not the answer, but we’re not going to tell you what is.

Immigration:

Labour: You’re not racist for hating asylum seekers.  Lets secure our borders.

Liberal: We’re pretty-much racist.  Lets secure our borders.

Outfits:

Labour: “Gillard was out today in a lovely polka-dot ensemble complete with red chiffon top.  The pearls were back, as were the high heels.”

Liberal: <Cue Silence>

So then, what’s the difference?  Well, one of them is a lady and she’s wearing pretty clothes.  Oh, and her partner is a former hair stylist who does a mean blow dry at 4:30am.  And that is how you win an Election!

Photo Courtesy Of: http://www.smh.com.au/federal-election/kristinas-stinky-government-wont-make-julia-on-the-nose-20100719-10gxt.html?rand=1279507516610