By Baroness Mandy
The Romans used to be very American, in an old-fashioned macho and preppy way. The Romans would exterminate an enemy, cherry pick their enemies’ leaders and march them in chains into central Rome. They would erect a triumphal arch on the forum’s ceremonial road to commemorate the Res Gestae of the administration of the day and make it into collective history.
Yes, sometimes they did fuck up. The Middle East was already a big deal of an issue at the time. There is an Arch, where Titus is celebrated for having destroyed the temple and stolen its outlandish furniture. There is also an episode in history, in which the expanding Empire happened to be represented by inadequate provincial authorities, which failed to succesfully manage the PR of the arrest of a terrorist. Jesus.
Jesus, this religious bonkers type of guy who dared undermine the Machiavellian use of religion made by the Imperial Court! Perhaps his followers didn’t have bombs, but he was undoubtedly a threat to the foundation of Roman power.
By killing him (after a quick popular poll) they committed a PR crime and gave Jesus martyr-celebrity status. By killing dissent they elevated his heresy. The big empire kills the beardy, absolutely white and Caucasian male godsend.
Now, let’s step back and start again. Do you remember the picture of Che Guevara shot dead? Wait for the one of Bin Laden to come out. That photo is the only thing that will be remembered by the desperate idiots who make up Al-Quaeda. That photo, not one of the wicked videoclips in which he was threatening every G8 country in the land. To some, he is now a Martyr and PR-wise that is a god thing for his cause.
Martyrs didn’t live in 1 million dollars suburbs and Martyrs do not usually mastermind killings or fashion themselves as the bad guys. Once a person dies, especially if their existence has been prematurely terminated, they do acquire a different status and we do believe that the whole Jihad club has now a new god to add to their Pantheon. Even if they crawl in their own poo on an Afghan bunker – rather than live in a Pakistani suburb!
What we want to assess here is the US government PR on the killing of Bin Laden. And the judgment is “bad fail”. Mind that we are not talking about Barack, who is now enjoying a surge of popularity (at least according to my Über-democratic US-born-and-bred Facebook friends).
At 4:35 am (GMT) yesterday Barack went on TV to announce that “it is a bright day” for the U.S. of A. A bright day that counter-balanced the “darkened” day of 9/11 because the “United States have conducted an operation that killed Osama Bin Laden”.
Yes, we (here meaning the U.S.) went there to kill him. Not to arrest him. Pakistan didn’t know, ‘cause they are a messy corrupt crowd’ and yes we are happy ‘cause they killed many of us and now we have beaten their bum up with guns and helicopters and bullets as Hollywood predicates (shall we expect an unknown beardy Bollywood actor beaten up by a shirtless, Morgan-Freeman-as-Obama-led Matt Damon at the movies next Christmas?).
Americans are happy. “Obama is not a pussy” and “we finally got revenge”. Obama and Palin – at last – speak the same lingo. Two (three?) wars are now fully justified. And the narrative of the U.S. killing bad people, both in the movies and when they are just too full of oil (or abandoned by CIA clerks), is confirmed and reinforced.
Good job Obama2012 Team! Bad job White House PR Dept. The loose cannons around the world will seek revenge. Many disgruntled potential jihad customers now have a new, powerful story to buy: the one of the Sheikh that once upon a time got killed – not stopped – by the Yankees. Even worse, the poor Pakistani establishment is being ridiculed in every chancery in the world. They can barely stand up as a government and they have now been badly humiliated. Nonetheless, they are, as a government, the ultimate gatekeepers of a desperate concoction of wannabe bombers.
Also, if we want to talk ethics and morals and leave Hannah Arendt to sleep, we can ask ourselves what happened to any sort of religious/moral feeling. We appreciate that a majority of the States that compose the U.S. have access to capital punishment. Right. Isn’t that usually given out after a trial?
Here there is no fair trial, no staged Nuremberg, and no Christian feelings. Here there is a Head of State merrily announcing a homicide, after the golf and before bedtime.
The U.S. governing elite sounded like an unripe, revengeful bunch. Celebrating a homicide that will cause many more deaths in an exercise of poor PR.
Okay, they fucked up, but how could they have improved? Well, before the Western media recovers from the warmongering state-killing euphoria we’ll list – exclusively for Spindoctorate – our seven ways in which the U.S. could have cooked better PR out of the Bin Laden death news item:
1. BIN LADEN DEATH A LA OH-DEAR-IT’S-A-PITY
Osama didn’t want to surrender so (1) he committed suicide or (2) was shot or (3) he was deliberately killed. NOTE: Say that you tried to arrest him first but he opposed resistance. EXTRA: You can add that you tried to escort him to a hospital but that he died into the hands of the soldiers during the transport. Too bad. We tried. It didn’t work.
2. BULL’S EYE
Osama is (A) arrested, his miserable uncultivated beard photographed from every angle. OPTIONAL: He has a black eye (to sell more copies of the Sun) and what looks like pee on his tunic. Osama is (B) transferred to Guantanamo Bay, “yes people that legal opprobrium is there for some reason!” He greets his friends and wears an orange dress. He then (C) gets “suicided”.
3. OSAMA A LA COQUE
As in 2. Osama is taken to Guantanamo Bay, the U.S. then stage an Al-Quaeda-themed Nuremberg and sentence Osama to death at which point – EXTRA: he gets “suicided”.
4. OSAMA A LA ROMANA
As in 3. Osama is judged guilty along with his Guantanamo friends but he is sentenced to life imprisonment. EXTRA: Barack and the Pope go to visit him in a televised meeting at the prison. Osama cries on live TV. Here a conversion to Christianity is optional (we would surcharge the Vatican for that).
5. SOUS CHEF EXTRAORDINAIRE
Osama gets arrested/killed, the U.S. carry out the whole operation but they attribute it to the Pakistanis. Barack calls the Pakistani president and emails him a briefing with the lines for the media. “Pakistan arrested/killed Osama”. The U.S. congratulate with the ally. Pakistan’s reputation is strengthened. It is a Muslim country and it’s full of Jihadhists who are better to behave under such a determined leadership, who are such close allies of the U.S. EXTRA: Barack flies to Pakistan to see the body or to advocate extradition (which is – surprisingly – granted and Osama is treated as in point 2, 3 or 4).
6. SECRET RECIPE
Osama gets arrested and the arrest is kept secret. He gets interrogated and all of the Al-Quaeda cells linked to him get paid a visit by Mossad, CIA, and Jack the Ripper. Osama is used to destroy his own network of contacts. When the operation is concluded, the U.S. reveals part of the work done and trial Osama.
7. OSAMA BAKE BY NIGELLA LAWSON
Osama is captured and sentenced to life imprisonment but only after forcing him to participate in a 5-year reality show. In “Sheikh Shores” Osama spends one week with the families of victims of major terrorist attacks. New York City, Madrid, London, Istambul, Baghdad. Osama is harassed, makes friends, is raped and then understands all the bad things he has done. The show is subtitled in Arabic. In the last episode he meets Barack who tells him off and punches him repeatedly before a limo takes Osama back to the prison whilst Barack rides a white horse against the sunset. EXTRA: Alcatraz is regenerated and reopens with Osama as the only inmate (*profits to be donated to San Francisco’s homeless population and to the Castro Street Fair).
In conclusion, think of all the possibilities out there and don’t tell us better PR were not possible. If the U.S. knew where Osama was and if they assaulted him with numerous commandos then don’t tell us that they couldn’t find a way to keep him alive. With the tools and the time they had, don’t tell us they couldn’t find a way to have him perform every singe one of the actions suggested above – even starring in the reality show!
Let’s face it. The U.S. needs better PR. Brute force and homicides don’t pay off in the civilised kitchen of advertising.
SPIN DOCTORATE 